*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
You Might Also Like
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
🤣🤣🤣
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I remember when things only cost an arm.