You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?