Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable