Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.