when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Blew out my flip flop…
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Storm Tropical Storm
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you