My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
😜
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.