Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
God has abandoned us.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?