“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I can’t wait!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.