Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.