I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.