ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I will never stop laughing at this
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR