Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.