god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment