I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!