I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
just gave your address to some spiders
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.