Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Just a phase…
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever