my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
This is Sparta