remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Bobby pin
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?