Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”