If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone