My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Whisper out to librarians!