Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.