Love is always patient and kind.
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.