Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.