[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.