me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised