I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.