[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?