Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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Your honor these allegations are
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I put the h in mysterious.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.