Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?