me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Breaking news:
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy