Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Florida man
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?