[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.