Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.