It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
concern
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back