Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Stop.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you