Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Close call…
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.