The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.