@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Happy birthday to all the women
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the