[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
You Might Also Like
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*