Happy birthday to all the women
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Our lord and savoury.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*