Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.