Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Word!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
The Others (2001)
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.