[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
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Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.