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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out