Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
No time to explain get in the wood chipper