If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
You Might Also Like
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m Sold!
black phone good
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life