[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick