My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Van Gone
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out