Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
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A choir of Spring onions
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that